So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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