i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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