Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
