Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
