my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
