I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sext me about skeletons
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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