Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
