I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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