Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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