It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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