If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
