my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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