I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
