your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
