Apparently you make a good broom.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
