Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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