i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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