they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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