someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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