I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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