you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
