I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
