i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
