I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
