Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
