I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
