i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
