I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
