If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
