Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
