I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Houston, we have a blender
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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