Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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