And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
These tits shall not be calmed
Never let your siblings swipe right.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
