batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize