I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
