Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
