Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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