there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
