I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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