I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Your dad touched me again.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
