Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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