We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
