For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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