three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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