why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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