I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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