I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
