laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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