Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
