so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
