I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
