im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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